New year, new resolve: No. More. Bullshit.

It's been an eternity since I last wrote something in here. I'd love to say I had a lot going on, but other than getting married, moving into a new home and sleeping my life away, my schedule's been pretty free.

Tell me you saw the sarcasm in that. Even if you didn't, tell me you did.

I thought it was time to update this blog, though...to let you guys know where I'm at creatively and personally. I still haven't written anything of substance since July. This both shames and saddens me. I really hoped that 2010 would be the year I returned to my former creative glories, and while it started out that way, nothing earth-shattering was accomplished. You can only imagine how overjoyed I am about that.

I did learn a few things about myself, though...I learned that I have a thin skin. It doesn't take much to hurt me...in fact, a recurring theme in this blog was how much various people in the webfiction niche I tried to insert myself into hurt me by their complete disregard for anything I did. This reached its pinnacle after yet another humiliating omission that I discovered on Christmas Eve.

Now...I never expected to set the world on fire with my tales. I never thought I'd come away from the whole experience as the number one champ. I never even thought I'd be that successful. But I never in a million years thought that I could be so soundly ignored by so many people and institutions. That really crushed my fragile little ego. You might say that a person that puts their work out in the public spectrum should get used to rejection and you're probably right. They should...or, they could quietly back away, realizing that no matter what they did, nobody would give a shit.

I sound scornful. I really wanted to avoid that, but...it's the way I feel. It hurt me tremendously to not be a part of the crowd, despite my best (and I mean best, because I don't know a soul who writes and rewrites as obsessively as I do) efforts to be appreciated. It hurt me that people didn't really give a shit about whether I updated or not. It hurt me that I've yet to receive a damn editorial rating on WFG, even if it were that blasted 2-line tripe that Linda Shoelaces or whatever her name is dishes out. Everyone got so up in arms about that, but I didn't even get one so yeah. I suck balls, as far as they're all concerned...and if I sound a little bit scornful, you're just going to have to forgive me. It's just what happens when a person's been hurt one time too many.

My new year's resolution is to sever all ties with the webfiction community. I no longer want to be a part of it, nor will I chase after anyone to get the appreciation I am due. My attitude is, if you don't care, then I really don't care. I met some really nice people through my time there, and I fully intend to keep up with them, be it on FB or Twitter...but as for the community as a whole, the message has been received. I'm not wanted...so I'm gone.

Peace.

Confessions of a Madcap Creator (or: Bex Don't Write No Crap, Yo!)

I do not write crap.

I just never have. I refuse. This might be a very large part of why I don't write as regularly as I used to. If something is not up to the standard that I impose upon it, I don't bother even trying to salvage it. I'll start all over again. I want every single word to have a purpose. I want every single scene to advance the story. I want every single quirk and nuance of every single character to be clearly communicated through the text. I want a whole hell of a lot, I guess - but I would not have it any other way.

It drives me mad when I see other people's writing (and I hope no one gets offended, because I'm not directly referencing anyone with this, I promise!) and I see nothing but errors. Typos, 'there' in the place of 'their', inappropriately placed apostrophes - the whole nine yards. It makes my eyeball twitch. It screams to me of amateur editing, and a lesser quality product...and I refuse to release that sort of thing. I want to be taken seriously, and if that is the sort of thing I put out, it's just not going to happen. I have to be perfect.

This is not to say that I'm immune to typos and mixing up words (or even leaving them out altogether!) - I do this all the time. However, when the text is so littered with errors that it becomes unreadable and indecipherable...that's when I largely tune out.

So...I write with purpose, I'm meticulous about editing, I do my best to clearly communicate the world living inside my head and...I'm largely ignored for all of these efforts.

(Yes, it's going to be another one of "those" posts...you're free to leave now, but not before you roll your eyes in disgust!)

I have noticed something about webfiction, from all these years I've danced around in it: it can be incredibly elitist. Friends tend to stick together. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. You tell me I'm awesome and I'll do the same. I've seen series with no creative merit, hideous punctuation and crimes against grammar and a fugly site design to boot get praised to the very skies, by people who really ought to know better and quite honestly? It pisses me off.

I'm petty as hell. I admit this. I should not begrudge these people who probably are trying their very best. And who knows...maybe if I could get past all of my complaints, I might find a wonderfully engaging story underneath it all. But really, for thirty different people to all go on about how wonderful something is when you can barely get past the first paragraph because the typos are so bad? Come on now. If you're gonna do a cutesy little Kiss Ass Society, can you at least be a little less blatant about it? Can you at least make the effort to make yourself sound legitimate. Because really, dude...to allege things like "you've changed the course of history with this episode/chapter/installment" when all they really accomplished was proving they did not pay attention in second grade when the teacher introduced the difference between 'there' and 'their' is just...it kills me.

It just freakin' kills me, folks.

What I feel...

...my mother does not understand how badly she is hurting me right now.

...I wish that old bastard would just drop dead already, but I know I could never be so lucky.

...I did not get enough sleep last night.

...I feel so alone right now.

...this is just a horrible day.

Sometimes, nostalgia happens...

You don't necessarily plan on it...it's just there. Tonight, I spent almost an hour lying in bed and waiting for sleep (obviously, it has not come yet). The whole time, I was reminded of various points in my life, good and bad...and consequently, what I've tried to learn from all of them.

This much I can glean from that trip down memory lane: nothing is forever. It was around this time three years ago that I faced something I believed to be far too insurmountable to ever begin to overcome...and now, look at where I'm at. I guess it's all about perspective and looking at the bigger picture, though I'm having quite a bit of trouble doing that.

There's such a dark cloud over me these days. Everyone's noticed it - even my husband, whom I've tried to put on a happy face around. I have been stressed out to the point of feeling physically ill. I have headaches a lot, like every day. I feel a deep depression trying to come in, but I'm doing my best to stave it off for now. I guess I should remember that this too shall pass, and that no matter what happens, it could never be as horrendous as things I've already endured. Still...that's a lot easier said than done when every single day that passes seems worse than the one before it.

Keep me in your thoughts. This is a time of my life that should be joyous, and truly it is...I'm just not feeling all that joyous right now. Maybe I need to lie in the dark some more and ponder the road that led me here. Then again, that might only depress me even more.

"Is this a silly waste of time; Am I just losing my mind..."

The title, of course, being a song lyric.

So this has been a ridiculously emotional week. Anger, sadness, deep, deep depression - it's all hit at one time. This is one of those weeks where I feel like everyone's against me and I just need a friend so if you're up for some really emo whining, hit me up. I could really use one.

A Milestone of Sorts

Hi, my name is Bex Aaron. I've worked at the Knights Inn since April 10, 2008. I've worked through a hurricane and the power outage that followed (for twelve hours at a time, no less!), under two separate (but both Vietnamese) managers, through illnesses and flus and more gallbladder attacks than I can count. I have never been late, have never missed work just for the hell of it and have only been granted one (unpaid) vacation all this time. I've worked Christmas and New Years (one hung over mofo!) and have yet to accrue any sick time or personal time - those silly things don't exist here. I've been cursed at on Christmas Eve (and a merry fucking Christmas to you too, buddy), I've been hit, I've witnessed knife fights, ho fights, screaming fights, redneck fights, guest fights and even one unfortunate occasion where the desk clerk and a person wanting a job application got into a rumble (true story). I've taken abuse that I would not wish on anyone, I've withstood when every single odd was against me...and now, I think I have reached the end of my exceptionally long patience. I think I am finally done.

That is all.

Resolutions

You know from following this blog that my posts tend to fall into one of two categories: bitching that I'm not writing, or bitching that I'm not finding the acceptance in that writing that I feel (possibly wrongly) that I am due.

Well, today, I thought I'd try something different.

Instead of bitching about not writing, I'm going to make every effort. I set a date for the third arc to premiere (Halloween) and while the 21st chapter isn't even close to being done yet, I plan on sticking to it. I have got to get back on the stick here. It's been forever since I really sat down and got into this story and I'm doing myself a great disservice by staying away this long.

Today, I'm going to read. A lot. I'm going to read everything I can get my hands on. I'm going to relearn the quirks and nuances of these characters. I'm going to figure out where these next few chapters are going. I'm going to quit crying, stop saying that I can't and do something.

...this will probably be promptly followed by yet another whiny, bitching post, just so you know. Feel free to ignore it.

Some tough, but necessary realizations.

Some people aren't worth the trouble it would take to like, befriend or even tolerate their miserable behavior.

It doesn't matter what the world thinks - I still fucking rule.

I will never be able to find my worth in what anyone else thinks of me.

I don't want to be with the in crowd, because it never, ever lasts.

There's always going to be some asshole that's going to try to bully and belittle someone - but the only reason they do that is they're so unhappy within themselves that they try to put others down to feel better.

I am worth something and those that don't think so can go fuck themselves.

A To-Do List

I've grown so lazy when it comes to this creative thing. I don't know what the problem is, but I can think of a thousand other things I'd prefer doing. I'm not one for forcing myself, especially since the end result tends to suffer, but something's got to be done here. This is what I hope to do in the next few days:

1. Read everything written for the story so far. Every chapter, all the character bios, everything. I can't expect to jump back into it if the momentum has died.

2. Work on the new website. I already have one page done (the home page, which many would view as the hard part): http://bcd.sitesled.com/haven-park/testpage3.html for those curious.

3. Examine where I'd like this story to go. Outline the entire third arc, figure out what I want out of this arc specifically, and then map out what I need to do to reach that conclusion.

What do you guys think? Any other suggestions that might get me back in the game? All are welcomed and appreciated.

Peace.

For Couples: The Do's Do Not Do's of Engagement Rings

A few posts ago, I revealed that I am now an engaged woman. The picture in the post was the prototype ring that we used to base my real ring on, as seen to the right. This ring attracts a lot of attention, and with good reason - the pictures just don't do it justice. It's breathtaking!

With what I've learned through this process, as well as what I've gathered from other women's stories, I thought I would put together a list of the dos and donts of engagement ring buying.

Do:
Pick it out yourself, ladies!

This is so very important. God willing, this is a ring you're going to wear every single day for the rest of your life. You have got to make sure it's something you like. And sure, you say that any ring he picks out for you will be beautiful, but have you seen some of the things guys tend to pick out? Really...do it yourself. You'll be happy that you did.

Don't:
Be afraid to look at diamond alternatives!

I admit, I was raised by a lady who loves huge, flashy jewelry and the love of that has been passed along to me. I used to daydream about the day I would have an engagement ring of my very own, and more often than not, I fantasized about a rock bigger than my fist. Needless to say, that's going to end up being a little on the costly side...which is why when it came time to get mine, I was adamant that it not be a diamond. We went with a lannyte, which you can google for all the juicy details. My center stone is a 3 carat, and the ring is everything I've ever dreamed of, but at a fraction of the cost. Don't worry that others might know your secret - no one's been able to tell that mine is not real, and I can testify to the fact that it's incredibly hard to distinguish. Save that money, guys - you'll need it for the honeymoon!

Do:
Express yourself!

Some girls don't like the standard diamond. Princess Diana's engagement ring was a sapphire. Even my beloved Sharon Tate's (purported) engagement ring was an opal. If you want something out of the ordinary, don't be bound by tradition! Also remember that gemstone engagement rings are much less expensive than their diamond counterparts, and they can also be more coy, if you'd like to try and keep your engagement under wraps.

Don't:
Go with the first thing you find!

Shop around. Go to every jeweler that you can find. Ask them if they do custom work. Let them know what you have in mind, and see how much that would cost. Some will give you better prices than others...it's best to find the price that works for you, without compromising the style that you want. It might be a bit of leg work, but the result will be well worth it.

Change has gotta come

So here we are, right back at the start of another week. Just for once, I would love to come in without drama and bullshit being thrown immediately at me. Just for once, I would love to come in to an uneventful place, doing a mundane little job for eight hours, then going home. Just for once, I'd like a schedule that doesn't fluctuate and sleep patterns that wouldn't likely concern those in the science of them.

I am so over this place. I'm not telling you guys anything you don't already know, but I am so sick of this place. I just don't care about any of it anymore. I don't care who gets mad because I don't wanna hear their drunken hollering over a football game. I don't care who left their blinker on all night long. I don't care that they need milk at the breakfast counter or that they're out of sugar for their coffee. I just don't care. Today, I wanna think about me. I wanna do what I want to do - what I need to do for myself. What I probably should have started doing a long time ago.

Seriously...these rampages you hear about? They're not unprovoked, I promise you. Those people have just been pushed to their breaking points, and there's no other way to express the emotion that builds within. I've felt that way more than I care to admit, but I've so far managed to hold back on just killing people. Instead, I write blog entries. And I blatantly ignore any attempts that asshole over there makes to get my attention. You can say, "Excuse me" all day long. You can even hold up the milk container. I don't care. You're still not getting anything until you march your happy ass over here and ask for it directly.

Really, now. Is that so hard?

I hate this fucking place.

Sometimes it's hard to put into words

And amazingly enough, words seem to be my specialty.

This has been the weekend from hell, honestly. Every single thing that could go wrong has. I don't even know if I should say that, because it's not over yet and it could very well get worse. But...I fail to see how it can get any worse than it is now.

I've tried to put the whole thing into perspective but it's kind of hard when it keeps bearing down on you. Couple that with the fact I'm disappointed with a LOT of things that I can't even begin to say, because saying so would probably let everyone know the intricate innerworkings of my mind. Can't have that!

Suffice to say, I'd be totally happy to just crawl back in the womb right now. I don't like this world. I don't like this life. I don't even like myself today.

...and the depression sets in like a wave. I'll spare you the gory details.

Conversations With My Characters, Volume II

Jeff: Hey, remember me?

Me: Of course I remember you, silly! How've you been, Jim?

Jeff: It's Jeff.

Me: Oh. Right. Sorry. So what's up?

Jeff: I was sort of hoping you could tell me...

Me: Me? Oh, me! Right. Well...uh...I've been a little busy.

Jeff: Yeah, I noticed. So how's engagement treating you?

Me: Just great, thanks!

Jeff: Hope yours turns out better than mine.

Me: (awkward chuckle) Yes, I do too...

Jeff: So hey, listen. I had this idea for the third arc. How's this sound to you? What if we reveal that I'm not really me, I'm a Russian assassin - no, spy. I like spy way better. So I'm like this Russian spy that's...been sent to kill........the other Russian spy.

Me: M'kay...and who is the other Russian spy?

Jeff: I haven't really gotten that far yet. Uh...how about that Laramie guy?

Me: Michael? Nah.

Jeff: We don't know anything about him, do we? It could work.

Me: Well...that's certainly a great idea, Jeff, and I will definitely keep it in mind. Thank you.

Jeff: (mumbling) Hey, somebody's gotta write this shit.

Me: I'm sorry, what was that?

Jeff: Nothing.


Okay, so I suck. I admit it. I really, really suck. I've been preoccupied with a thousand other things that don't involve writing and I've allowed a thousand other things to distract me from this story. I'm making every effort possible to get back into it, if only so we don't have to endure a story about a couple of unlikely Russian spies (though that might be kinda interesting, now that I think about it...)

I am upset

It seems everything's going wrong today. I'm pissed at my job, I'm pissed at the way a certain chain of events has spiraled out of control, I'm pissed at the way there's problems everywhere...and I'm just pissed that I'm so damn pissed about it. I hate feeling this way.

I hate feeling so undesirable, so unlovable, so reclusive...when I just wanna be held. I hate feeling so counterproductive and ineffective...when I just wanna do something.

I need to get out of this rut. I have much to think about...but for right now, I really just wanna be held.

I AM ENGAGED!

As my last post stated, I spent the past few days in San Antonio with Eli. I knew (because I just know stuff sometimes) that this little sabbatical would change everything in this relationship - in a good way. And well...it did.

He proposed on Friday. We'd had what I guess you could call an informal engagement up to that point. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and we were even looking at rings, but we'd yet to make it official. Well, at Rivercenter Mall in San Antonio, TX, I fell in love with the gem you see to your left, so we bought it. Keep in mind this ring is a mere prototype. I fell in love with the design, but we intend to take it to a jeweler to customize it a bit. I want a pear shaped center stone and I'd like the accents to go all the way around, but the same size stone, the same mounting, the same everything else.

I have gone from being a single woman to being engaged in three months time...and I could not be happier about it. I adore this man, and I know he adores me too. He is so good to me I can't even begin to explain. This is so right. It's one of those things you just know, deep down within you. We don't have a date set. We don't have any real plans, except I will wear red and wear a huge red hat like the one Lucy wore when she married Alan on GH. We just figure when the time is right, it will happen. But this much is certain: I will be Mrs. Aaron one day...and I could not be happier about it.

Hello from San Antonio!

This week, to celebrate my birthday, we are in San Antonio. I am writing this from the balcony of our room on the 20th floor. I suppose now is as good a time as any for a writing update.

I am still revising. Today, I began revisions on Chapter 21. I am completely rethinking this one, from the startling end to the first scene to the awkward conversation of the second. I have got a completely different idea right now, and I think this could really shake things up. I may be crazy for trying this, but I am willing to take it where it goes.

I hope everyone's well. I also hope to have this done before we leave here. Hell, 22 as well, so I can start WeSeWriMo with a clean slate. Let's hope!

Much love.

Odds 'n' Ends...Mainly Ends.

Okay, so as some of you know, I'm involved in this whole crazy webfiction scene (or, if you wanna kick it old school, websoaps). This basically means that I write and maintain a serial/book/novel/piece of crap/what have you and post it to a website. As I've said before, I do not charge anybody for anything. It's completely non-commercial, probably very unimportant, but it is still my teensy contribution to the world at large.

I came across this quote, from Kira, the editor in chief of Epiguide. (Epiguide, for those unaware, is the hub of the websoap community, and has been since 1998, maybe earlier).

So there it is, guys. The webfiction/weblit world existed before y'all discovered it. I must say it irks me that people are so unaware of the history of the medium, especially on a site devoted to it. Maybe it's not lack of awareness; maybe it's the unfortunate sense that webfiction doesn't count if it's not commercial/fantasy or sci-fi/based on Drupal or WP/inspired by MU/fill-in-the-blank. The serials may not have been your cup of tea; they may not have been commercially successful enough; they may not still be around. Still, give up a little respect to those of us who participated in this realm long before b2/cafelog even existed, much less turned into Wordpress!

Ah, preach it, sister.

I've always sort of felt like this. My webfiction predates all the modern and "hip" fantasy fiction that you see today. I wrote the websoap's answer to Seinfeld (it was about nothing!) for eight freakin years (and published it for almost three: 2004-2006). I've never been into fantasy, sci-fi sort of stuff...just not my thing. I don't really like watching, reading or writing it. I prefer drama based fiction. Thrillers. Love stories. That sort of deal. The sort of stuff that you can find at Epiguide...from whence I hail.

I've noticed, since attempting to branch out into the "new" webfiction world of speculative fiction, zombies, warriors and the like, that while the authors themselves have been quite welcoming and accommodating to me (for the most part...), the genre itself seems largely closed off if you don't write something along those lines. I guess I shouldn't be so bummed out about it, because obviously, the fantasy stuff is where it's at...but it does seem like a bit of a slap in the face when I list my work on outlets such as WFG and the editors don't even bother to review it. Seriously. I didn't even get the two-line standard from Linda that so many bitch about. I didn't even get that, people! This is totally me bitching and I really should just let it go, but it felt like a slap to me. The message I got out of it was, "You're not like us, so we don't want you here."

I don't know. I'm just bitching and moaning, but it does seem to me that there's a real genre bias. It's like being invited to a party, but when you actually attempt to make conversation, everyone (hosts included) ignores you. I'd think it was better off to stay home in that case and yeah...in this case too.

Writing Update

I think I finally figured out what I needed to do in order to move forward: take a step back. On Friday (or was it Thursday?) I started to edit Chapter 19, and I finished it yesterday. The funny thing is these so called "edits" turned into a full on rewrite in some cases, and I'm happy to say that I think this is the chapter I should have written all along.

Now...onto 20. This one's pretty darn good, I gotta say. I don't really wanna mess with it, because I like so much about it already...but I think it could still stand to improve. I have an idea for another scene, but it's going to take some research. I wanna do it just right, so...we'll see how that goes.

I really think that until I am fully satisfied and happy with what I write, I will never be able to progress any further. I'm just wired that way. Let's hope I'm on the right track this time.

Stolen shamelessly from Danielle

Conversations I had with my characters when piecing the next few chapters together:

Me: Outlining is difficult when you only have a handful of characters.
Terri: I'll gladly be in every single scene.
Julia: Me too! I have figured out a few new ways to whine and cry and think about what a pathetic slut I am. I'm sure that's good for a few pages, no?
Me: Oh my gosh, no. No. No, no, no.
Terri: But I've yet to milk this melodrama for all that it's worth. It's been a good twenty chapters since I last cried until my fake lashes came off. I think I'm totally ready to try that again.
Julia: Hey, that's an idea. I don't know why I didn't think of that.
Terri: Because you're not me.
Me: You two are both pretty much interchangeable to me at this point...and that's really not a good thing. So yeah. Let me just focus on someone else here...

Evan: Are you really gonna make me interact with...people? Really?
Me: Ty said you needed to.
Evan: And I care why...?
Me: Because Ty said so, and Ty is one of my very best commenters, so there.
Evan: ...
Me: And if you do, I'll tell you where Marnie hid the pictures.
Evan: You got yourself a deal.

Lucas: Hey, what about me?
Me: What about you?
Lucas: Am I even in this arc?
Me: Of course you are. You were in Chapter 21. See? That totally qualifies as an appearance.
Lucas: ...
Me: What? It does?
Lucas: Well, I'm just saying...you're whining about not having enough characters and I'm like...you know...MIA.
Me: Um...Ty's sick of you?
Lucas: Who the fuck is Ty?
Me: Never mind that. Just go...be.
Lucas: Right, so that's a no. Gotcha.

Me: And, um, Shane...?
Shane: I know. I already know. I get to stand around with my hands in my pockets and watch Goldman get all my glory and do my job and silently seethe and brood and plan how I'm going to come out on top in the end, though I really don't have a chance in hell at this point.
Me: Well...yes. But try to do it with a bottle in your hand.
Shane: Right. I'm on it.

Jeff: Hey so...I hate to bother you when you're busy creating and stuff, but...I sort of...I don't really...I don't like the third chart.
Me: I didn't think you would.
Jeff: To be honest with you, I don't really like anything about where this is going.
Me: Yeah, I didn't think you would.
Jeff: Come on, baby. Can't we talk about this? I - I just don't think this is...uh, I don't think this is a good idea at all.
Me: Oh for God's sake, don't look at me like that.
Jeff: Baby...
Me: Please stop looking at me like that.
Jeff: Baby...
Me: NO! I am not doing that damn thing again! Do you know how long it takes?
Jeff: Baby...
Me: Oh for God's sake...screw outlining. I'm off to edit the chart. Again.

Thinking out loud

I realize I should try to censor myself as much as possible with this entry, because I realize that a few of you might actually read my series, and I would hate to spoil anything for you.

That said, though...I've hit a creative brick wall, and sometimes writing it out is the best bet. For what it's worth, though, I will not name names here.

Okay, so here's the deal. I've planned for the killer to strike for the third time in the 25th chapter. I'm currently stuck on Chapter 23. The point of the next few chapters would, obviously, be setting up the third one and blah, blah. Well, here's my dilemma. Originally, the third victim was supposed to be someone else. I had it all planned out. Then, when I was writing something else, I had a flash and decided to make the third victim another person. I was really excited about this, because I thought it was incredibly powerful and I could make a lot of drama out of it. However, the closer I get to this, the more I begin to question it. Sure, there is a wealth of drama to be had at this person's expense, but in the end...if you're looking at the bigger picture, it just doesn't make that much sense. It's one of those things that I might have to go back and gloss over a bit, because while it might make perfect sense at the time, I don't know if I can justify it later on, given what happens next.

As for the original victim, I'm starting to consider if my gut was right the first time. There's a lot of drama to be had here too, and in the end, it would make a lot more sense...but to be honest here, I would rather not do that, because...oh this is silly.

I'd rather not do it because I am rather attached to the character, and I would view it as very cruel to do this to him now.

Aren't I a freak? I know I am.

So...that brings me to this: which one do I go for? The more drama and punch in the moment and the longer explanation later or the less drama, more cruel choice?

Neither option is appealing to me right now...and if Julia keeps up this incessant whining, I might just say screw it and kill her off. She's getting on my nerves. For real.

Thoughts? Suggestions? The number of a good shrink? All are appreciated and welcomed. Thanks.

Obligatory writing update post

The Big Surprise is...Me?

So begins my latest brainstorm. Noticeably, it's got nothing to do with actually...y'know, writing. But hey...pretty pictures totally count, and they add to the story and they're necessary. I'll take them.

Those familiar with my story will know that I make promos for each chapter. Well, I've decided that beginning with chapter 40, I will no longer do this. Until chapter 45, instead of specific chapter promos, The Big Surprise campaign will begin. This campaign will highlight the final five suspects, with first person admissions of guilt. I've chosen to end all of them with, "My name is X and I am a murderer."

(sneak peek at one, no real spoilers contained therein: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1003/CrazyBex/ID%20promos/63ac2c56.jpg )

Of course, only one of them is and we will find out which one in chapter 45...and I'm only writing Chapter 23 now. So I have a really long way to go here, but it never hurts to plan ahead. :)

I would love to make some progress on these chapters and stuff, but I do realize that you just can't force it. There's a lot of emotion in this, and sometimes, it's just not in you to write that. I have to wait until it's time and then...well, we'll see what happens. But I'm keeping my optimism about me. I figure that's all I can do.

Lost the Plot

I am a writer. I have been since before I could even write. I scribbled this nonsense story in crayon and showed every adult within a 20 mile radius. They all acted as though they were impressed, even after I needled them to read it (out loud, at that!) and it seemed that was all I needed. The deal was done.

I wrote my first work of fiction when I was ten years old. It was something pitiful about some guy named Mac and his bitch of a wife named Brenda. Very stupid, soap opera rip off sort of stuff...and I continued this story (and its varied cast of characters) until the next summer, when I decided to go in another direction and created yet another stupid, soap opera rip off story, entitled Montana Skies.

Oh, Montana Skies...it was epic. I don't think there are even words in which to describe how bad it really was. I had guys coming back from the dead (like three or four times!), I had interrupted weddings, I had explosions and amnesia and...oh, it was horrible. It was tripe. It was an abomination. And I wrote it for almost three years.

When you're a teenager, that seems like forever. It was the longest I'd worked on anything, but one day, I just got bored with it. I decided to write a short side project (the original Independence Day incarnation), then went back to it, only to be bored again within months. That's when Behind Closed Doors came into play...and that's when my entire life changed.

I'd never felt more passionate about anything else in my life. That story was everything to me. I lived and breathed it. I thought about it all the time. I began and ended my day fixated on it. Soon, the idea of Montana Skies was revolting to me. I came to realize what garbage I'd been writing and focused myself full time on my new endeavor - and really, looking back on it, I had no regrets about doing so. It was time. Past time, I think. I was older (fifteen!) and wiser and it was just time to move on.

Behind Closed Doors was my everything for eight years (1998-2006) until the unthinkable happened: I no longer had the heart for it that I once did. It was initially a very heart-wrenching decision, but once I stopped fighting against it, I realized that I could live without these characters. I could live without this story. I could even live without writing.

I had a talk with a friend last night, and she told me she was no longer writing. Not just taking a break on it...no longer writing at all. I'm not sure what to even say about this. I've been there, and I know from experience that a true writer always comes back to it. However, she seems very definite, and she also seems at peace with her decision, so there's not much I can really say. It makes me sad, though...because now that I've come back to writing, I realize how much I missed it.

What do writers do when they don't write? Is it possible to find other things to fill that void? I strongly believe that writing is not something that you choose - it's something that chooses you. As I've said, she seems completely at peace with her decision, but it has me thinking...what does a writer do if not write?

Thoughts?

Some days, you just want to cry...

...and if I weren't at work, you can bet that's what I'd be doing.

So...creatively? Nada. Though, to be fair, I haven't really tried. I've been tied up in other things (including Anniversary Week, which I will get to in a second). This third arc is moving along at a snail's pace...and I'm feeling rather foolish for having this much trouble. I admit, I've sort of been throwing myself into things to avoid the actual writing of the chapters. Anniversary week articles, promos, etc. Busy work, basically. I'm sure you know what I mean.

And so...Anniversary Week. Well, the first two features went well. I didn't take as long to complete them as I thought I might. It's the third I was antsy about, and it turns out that there was a good reason for that: nobody contributed anything. No, no, I shouldn't say that because that discounts the one person that did: Kelly, whom I adore.

So yeah. 59 fans on the FB page. Lots of people that randomly proclaim to "love" ID and...one response. It's not like there was a test to take or something. It's not like I imposed ridiculous demands on people. It's not like I said, "You must summarize the entire story thus far, to prove you were paying attention." I just asked people to answer three questions and...well, one did, which was incredibly nice of her. Others said they would, but for whatever reason, they did not and really...I preface this by saying that sometimes, I can be very petty, but...this just really bothers me.

I should not let this get to me and I should not this reflect on the impact I am making with this whole thing. I mean, come on. It's not like I'm out to change the world or write a best seller. I don't even have a donate button! (ack, I should let that die already!) Maybe I'm unrealistic...in fact, I probably am...but this hurt. This really hurt.

I guess it all ties back into the "basing who you are on what you do" thing that we are all warned against so strictly. This makes me feel like the most ineffective communicator that's ever lived. It makes me feel like such a loser. It makes me just wanna curl up in a ball and cry. It's humiliating. It's invalidating. It's just...it's just hurtful.

So that's where I'm at today. For the two people that might read this, I appreciate your time.

I need a cigarette.

Wednesday: Independence Day, by the numbers

For those not in the loop, I write a webfiction mystery entitled Independence Day, which will be celebrating its first anniversary on the web this Sunday. To celebrate, I've put together some anniversary week features. Unfortunately, though, 110mb's servers are down right now, so I can't upload the Wednesday piece as planned. Thus, this clever improvisation. :)

Monday's segment: The Timeline
Official Independence Day Website (this link works): http://haven-park.911mb.com

And now, without further adieu....

ID: By the numbers

In this feature, take a look at all the facts and figures of the story so far.

Arc One Overview:

Title: The Beginnings
Length: One prologue, ten chapters, two interludes. Note: This is the longest arc thus far.
Wordcount: 52,508
Betcha didn’t know: This is the only arc that was not assigned a theme song.


Chapter 0: Prologue:
Release date: June 3, 2009
Wordcount: 759
Characters introduced: Carol Mathison, Jeff Howard, Terri Englund (mentioned only)
Betcha didn’t know: This is the only chapter for which I did not make a promotional graphic; At less than a thousand words, this is the shortest chapter to date; Aside from flashbacks and interludes, this is the only chapter in which we get to see Carol alive and well.
Recap: Carol confronts Jeff on an affair. He denies it. She does not believe him and leaves the house an intoxicated mess.


Chapter 1:
Release date: July 4, 2009
Wordcount: 2,699
Characters introduced: Shane Marcette, Officer Brinks, Stanley Rogers (mentioned only), Terri Englund, Lucas Brady (mentioned only), Lance Englund (mentioned only), Marnie Blake, Evan Blake (mentioned only), Brett Woodward, Maryellen James.
Betcha didn’t know: We had a very strong premiere - this chapter garnered more feedback than any other.
Recap: Shane, Brinks and the Haven Park PD discover Carol’s body in the park. Immediately, Shane suspects that Jeff was responsible…. Terri muses over the fight she had with her husband the night before and decides to make a visit to the church for Brett to solve her problem, as he often did. When she got there, however, she found both Marnie and Brett shaken up and Brett told her that Carol was dead…. Busybody Mrs. James gave Brinks an earful about Carol leaving the house alone the night before and Jeff returning alone at around three in the morning…. Shane and Brinks pay a visit to Jeff, where he surprises them by guessing Carol is dead before they can tell him.


Chapter 2:
Release date: July 11, 2009
Wordcount: 3,772
Characters introduced: Lucas Brady, Evan Blake, Francine Blake.
Betcha didn’t know: This chapter offers the first of many flashbacks of Carol.
Recap: Shane fiercely interrogates Jeff, but has no choice to let him go, because he cannot prove anything…. Terri thinks back to the last conversation she had with Carol, and despite her better judgment, seeks solace with Lucas. Lucas seems oddly unmoved by the news of Carol’s death, and says a few inappropriate things that send Terri running for the door. She has a sinking suspicion that he was involved in the crime…. Marnie comes home to find Evan in another one of his freak outs. He at first mistakes her for Francine, then comes to his senses, babbling on about what a horrible person he is and how she could not possibly love him after all he’d done. When Marnie asks what Evan did that was so bad, he tells her he is a murderer.


Chapter 3:
Release date: July 26, 2009
Wordcount: 3,043
Characters introduced: Julia Woodward, Lance Englund, Helen Adams
Betcha didn’t know: There is nothing remarkable or interesting about this chapter or its developments, a wonder in and of itself.
Recap: Julia notices Brett’s somber mood and asks if he wants to talk about it, he refuses. He goes on about how none of it makes any sense, then implies that Jeff might have had something to do with the crime. Julia immediately leaps to Jeff’s defense. The subject switches to Terri and Julia rolls her eyes while Brett laments the perils of poor Peaches…. Lance returns home to find the house a mess and Terri strung out and has a fit. Terri tries to calm him down and justify her behavior by telling him Carol is dead. He does not seem to care, firing back at her that she’s disgusting…. Marnie learns from her mother that Jeff is a suspect in the crime, and she finds this hard to believe, remembering Jeff’s obvious adoration for Carol.


Chapter 4:
Release date: August 17, 2009
Wordcount: 3,492
Characters introduced: Stanley Rogers
Betcha didn’t know: The last scene was tacked on at the last minute to give the chapter a bit more length. It’s now my favorite.
Recap: Marnie pays a visit to Jeff, who despite his best efforts to hide it, is on the verse of emotional collapse. Marnie offers her support, but Jeff rebuffs her. Marnie advises him not to worry about what anyone else says or thinks of him…. Julia, manning the phones at the church for an unusually late Marnie, is appalled by some of the things the congregation has to say about Jeff and Carol’s murder. She is equally appalled by Terri’s appearance when she comes in. Terri tells Brett that she’s done a lot of thinking and praying about something and she really needs his help, sharing that it’s about Lance…. Shane receives a call from a distraught Stanley, who berates him for lack of progress with the case.


Chapter 5:
Release date: September 18, 2009
Wordcount: 3,815
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: This remains my favorite chapter, out of everything I’ve ever written; This is the only chapter I ever considered perfect after just a first draft; This was the last chapter to be released before my hiatus last year.
Recap: Lance goes to see Lucas and tells him to stay away from his wife. Lucas doesn’t take him very seriously, and when things become physical, Lucas implies that he knows about the physical abuse Lance doles out on Terri. Lance is horrified, because nothing of the sort has ever happened…. Evan surprises Marnie with a candlelight dinner and an apology for his behavior of late. He continues to allude to the terrible things he’s done and for a moment, Marnie wonders if he could be referring to Carol’s murder. She quickly writes it off, though…. Shane calls Brett and asks him to meet him at the bar, where he drunkenly laments his lack of progress on the case and his inability to save Carol. He goes on to make a scene and publicly accuse Jeff of the crime.


Chapter 6:
Release date: November 27, 2009
Wordcount: 3,164
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: This chapter took the longest time to complete, at almost six months; This chapter is our first (and only, to date) glimpse at Francine as a living being and not just an object of obsession.
Recap: Evan relives Francine’s suicide in a particularly vivid nightmare and wonders what he could have done to save her…. Lance, still reeling from Lucas’ allegations the night before, resolves to have as little contact with Terri as possible. She appears to be in a good mood, however, and tells him that she’s been thinking and wants to try marriage counseling, if he’s game. He is surprised, but agrees to it until she says that Brett has agreed to do it. Lance fiercely refuses, referring to his brother in law as a lunatic. He also calls her out on the unfounded abuse allegations, something she denies. Terri tells him that if he doesn’t want to do the counseling, she’ll just leave and under extreme duress, he relents…. On the morning of Carol’s funeral and wake, Jeff is surprised to open his door to Julia, who tells him they need to talk.


Interlude: Wonderful Christmastime:
Release date: November 27, 2009
Wordcount: 3,760
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: Shane is the only regular character not featured in this interlude; This is the first (and only, to date) time that Evan shares a scene with someone other than Marnie, though she is there.
Recap: Carol, drunk before nine a.m. on Christmas morning, argues with Jeff in front of her children. Despite the turmoil, Jeff still sees fit to give her an engagement ring. Before Carol can accept, though, Lance shows up with presents for the children. Carol throws herself together quickly, asking about Terri and accepting Lance’s invitation to come by later that afternoon…. Terri mourns her parents’ deaths quietly, wondering how she could ever go about a normal holiday again. Lance comes home and attempts to comfort her, but she shoves him away…. Evan and Marnie show up at Brett and Julia’s house to wish them a merry Christmas. Evan, completely out of place, loiters by the door and finds a silent kinship with Brett’s suffering over his parents’ passing…. On Christmas Day, Lucas (calling himself John) hitches a ride from Cheyenne, from an older man named Jim.


Chapter 7a:
Release date: January 8, 2010
Wordcount: 2,627
Characters introduced: Elton Frazier, Clayton Pierce.
Betcha didn’t know: If you don’t count the prologue, this is the shortest chapter to date.
Recap: As Haven Park gathers at the church for Carol’s funeral, Brett thinks about the evolution First Baptist has undergone since he’s become pastor. He also fields a number of questions about Julia’s strange absence…. Marnie adverts Mayor Pierce’s advances and declines his offer to go back to City Hall…. Shane apologizes to Brett for his behavior at the bar…. Julia shows up, acting strangely, and runs to the bathroom to collect herself, leaving Marnie to pass out programs and greet the mourners with her mother. Helen says this service reminds her of Francine’s and tells Marnie that Carol and Francine were incredibly close, something Marnie wasn’t aware of…. Shane and Brett emerge from the office just as Jeff is coming in, and Shane immediately leaps at him.


Chapter 7b:
Release date: January 20, 2010
Wordcount: 3,073
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: This is the only chapter that was not written by me. Instead, it was contributed by Jay Edwards, as part of AP Networks Writer Swap ’10.

Chapter 7c:
Release date: March 17, 2010
Wordcount: 5,442
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: After the conclusion of the first arc, this version, written by myself, replaced Jay’s in the chapter menu. Jay’s version is still available as bonus material.

Recap: Jeff and Shane face off in the church sanctuary, despite Brett’s best efforts to separate them. Jeff voluntarily leaves, and is trailed by Marnie and Julia. Marnie attempts to calm him down, but Jeff won’t hear of it (in Jay’s version, this scene did not appear)…. Shane is berated by Stanley for the scene he made, then confronted by Mayor Pierce…. Brett opens the service by encouraging his congregation to take comfort in Christ, then moving into his own memories of Carol…. Terri does her best to eulogize her best friend, but breaks down when Lance walked in, unfashionably late…. At the conclusion of the service, Stan and Mona Rogers thank the mourners for coming and Stanley shocks everyone when he directly references the manner in which his daughter died - and the culprit. At the end of the service, Mona requests The Beatles’ peppy “Love Me Do” be played, to commemorate the happier times in Carol’s life.


Chapter 8:
Release date: February 3, 2010
Wordcount: 4,966
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: At the time it was written, this was the longest chapter on record. I believed it to be a fluke, but over time the chapters have grown dramatically longer.
Recap: At the wake, Terri does her best to keep her distance, but still fights with Lance in the reception hall and stormed outside. Lance follows her out, where they yell at each other for a bit before Lucas arrives. Lance punches Lucas and tells him again to stay away from his wife. Lucas retaliates by pulling the switchblade from his pocket and threatening Lance with it. Terri, horrified, pleads with Lucas that it was not worth it and that they should just leave. Lance warns her that if she leaves with Lucas, she was is to come home, but Terri leaves with him anyway…. Shane again offers his apologies to Brett, who tells him he thinks he might be getting too personally involved in the case. Pissed, Shane goes outside where he has to admit to himself that it was the truth. He remembers his history with Carol, including the time he proposed to her, and wonders what might have been before Lance approaches him with the news of Lucas pulling a knife on him…. When Jeff comes home, he finally breaks down as the magnitude of everything hits him full force. He laments his choices and resolves that he could not stay in the house any longer. He also vows to make Shane pay for the way he’s gone after him.


Chapter 9:
Release date: February 20, 2010
Wordcount: 3,477
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: This is the only chapter so far to only contain two scenes. The majority have three, other rare ones contain four.
Recap: A few days later, Terri nervously waits for her husband to show up at their scheduled counseling meeting with Brett. Lance finally does, irate that he had to come at all, and immediately sets his crosshairs on Brett. He fires off insult after insult at the pastor, then comes dangerously close to letting Terri’s dirty little secrets out of the bag. He stops himself at the last minute, though, storming out. Terri, shaken, realizes how much he must have loved her to hold back…. Shane is unexpectedly called into a meeting with Elton Frazier and Mayor Pierce, where his conduct was called into question. Frazier berates him for the way he acted at the bar the other night and at Carol’s funeral and informs him that Jeff had consulted a lawyer about it. Before Shane can argue, though, Frazier angrily dismisses him from the Mathison case.


Chapter 10:
Release date: February 20, 2010
Wordcount: 3,933
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: Chapters nine and ten were released simultaneously, in response to gaining 30 fans on my Facebook fan page.
Recap: A stunned Shane attempts to explain his behavior, but Frazier and Mayor Pierce won’t hear of it. Frazier warns Shane to stay away from Jeff from now on…. Julia joins Brett at the office, where he laments not being able to do anything to help Terri and Lance. Julia argues that it’s not his place, then immediately regrets it and apologizes…. Jeff shows up at the church office and tells Marnie he’s now staying in his car. He asks for a loan, but she refuses, saying Evan would have a fit. However, she suggests that he talk to Brett - an idea Jeff immediately shoots down. When Brett and Julia come out of the office, Jeff makes a hasty getaway, leaving Brett to ask Julia what his strange behavior was all about.


Interlude: Fireworks (part one):

Release date: March 3, 2010
Wordcount: 4,486
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: While it was originally in the plan to only have two Fireworks interludes, I now realize that in order to fully lay out what happened on the day Carol died, we will need three.
Recap: Marnie sees Carol at the diner and approaches her to plead Jeff’s case. Carol mocks her and her perceived feelings for Jeff, telling her that Jeff is sleeping with Julia. Marnie furiously denies this, then walks away from the situation before it can get any more heated…. Brett teases Shane about his crazy ex girlfriend Peggy, then gets a call from an irate Lance, demanding to know where Terri is. Brett’s aggravation gets the better of him and he says something more harsh than he intends to Lance, then confides in Shane how difficult he is to deal with. Shane asks what Lance’s big problem with Brett is, and Brett says he still doesn’t know. Shane advises him not to worry about it…. Lucas, busily preparing a drug shipment for the evening, gets an unexpected visit from Carol. She invites herself in and hands over an envelope full of cash, announcing she wishes to make a deal with him.



Arc Two Overview:

Title: Tangled Webs
Theme song: Apologize, by One Republic
Length, thus far: Seven chapters (out of a planned ten, with the second part of the Fireworks interlude to air after chapter 20)
Wordcount, thus far: 37,490
Betcha didn’t know: This arc is filled with self-contained plots, which all come to a dramatic conclusion in chapter 20.


Chapter 11:

Release date: March 17, 2010
Wordcount: 4,054
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: This chapter marks the last appearance of Lance Englund; This is one of very few chapters to contain four scenes.
Recap: Julia manages to play off the scenario with Jeff, but still rushes outside to catch her breath…. Lucas notices Terri’s strange mood and knows she’s hiding something. When he confronts her about it, she admits that she went for counseling with Lance earlier. Lucas explodes. Terri does her best to reassure him, but he fiercely berates her for changing her mind and reminds her that she made the choice to be with him. He also reminds her that people tend to get hurt when they betray him…. Out of options, Jeff pays a visit to Lance, to ask him for a job. Lance, however, initially believes that Jeff has come by to once again beg for money. Jeff does his best to prove his true intentions, but Lance still mocks him and all of his prior fleecing techniques. Infuriated that Lance would kick him while he’s down, Jeff calls Lance a smug son of a bitch, then turns to go - but not without offering up one final shot: “And you can quit worrying about all the damn money I owe you. You’ll get it - and a whole lot more too”…. Marnie notices a strange chill in the air, as well as an ominous feeling that something bad is about to happen. She returns home to find Evan in another one of his episodes, and he asks her why she did not tell him she was pregnant.


Chapter 12:

Release date: March 31, 2010
Wordcount: 3,692
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: This is the first chapter that provides concrete confirmation of a Jeff/Julia affair. Other chapters before it merely hinted at what might have happened between them.
Recap: Evan continues to freak out, while Marnie does her best to calm him down. She quickly deduces that he believes she is Francine (raising the interesting question of whether or not Francine was pregnant when she died), and does her best to get him to listen to reason. Evan continues to rant and rave, and Marnie finally blasts him for acting crazy. Evan appears to come to his senses for a moment, but the moment is all too fleeting. He is soon on his way out the door, promising to “end something for us”…. At the park, Jeff throws himself a pity party with the only friends he has left: the ducks. Unexpectedly, he is joined by Julia, who gives him some money. Their conversation is awkward and tense, and Jeff makes his plans to leave town known. Julia does her best not to react, but can’t contain her shock. She begs him to reconsider, but he says there’s nothing in Haven Park for him anymore…. Lucas, decked out in all black and armed with two switchblades, prepares to leave for the evening. Terri has a bad feeling about what he’s going to do and tries to dissuade him, but quickly gives up. Lucas leaves Terri one of his switchblades and tells her not to open the door for anyone while he’s gone.


Chapter 13:

Release date: April 14, 2010
Wordcount: 4,552
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: This chapter was the last before my brief hiatus in April of 2010; This chapter was the first to be a part of my Lyrical Challenge.
Recap: Marnie worries and prays for Evan’s safety, thinking back to one of their earlier dates. She realizes that he needs far more help than she can give and secretly wonders what she got herself into…. After arriving home, Julia laments her poor choices while Brett sleeps beside her. She thinks back to how many times she tried to break it off with Jeff, and how many times he dissuaded her from doing so, and realizes what a fool she was to trust him. At the end of the scene, the audience learns that Brett has been awake the entire time, and thus knows of her indiscretions…. Terri administers fix after fix as she thinks of far downhill her life has gone in just a few months. She languishes in a stupor for a while until Lucas returns, in a panic. He tells her that they have to go right now and refuses to tell her what happened. Terri, disoriented and dazed, agrees…. Shane is awakened to a call from the police station, letting him know that the killer has claimed another victim.


Chapter 14:

Release date: May 12, 2010
Wordcount: 4,872
Characters introduced: Michael Goldman.
Betcha didn’t know: There’s nothing really interesting about this chapter, either. Hmmm. Guess they can’t all be remarkable, huh?
Recap: Julia notes Brett’s strange behavior in the morning, including sleeping late and his unusual sour mood. She wonders if he might suspect something, but quickly writes it off. Brett, meanwhile, asks a few pointed questions about her whereabouts the night before to make her sweat…. Marnie finds Evan passed out in the car and demands an explanation for the night before. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it, but she persists, telling him he can’t do something like this to her again…. Shane arrives at The Chair Emporium, where he comes face to face with Lance’s body. Right away, he realizes this was not a random crime, nor was it a robbery gone wrong. At the crime scene, he meets Michael, a detective far out of his Laramie jurisdiction, Shane immediately surmises that Michael is there to replace him, an allegation Michael vehemently denies. He is only consulting as a favor to the mayor, he says. He later reveals, though, that he is to be taking over the Mathison case, to Shane’s horror.


Chapter 15:

Release date: May 26, 2010
Wordcount: 5,251
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: If you do not count Chapter 7c, this is the first chapter to be over five thousand words.
Recap: Terri thinks over the ramifications of Lucas’ latest scheme - running off to Casper and starting over as Paul and Nancy Robinson. She realizes that she cannot continue this charade forever and thinks to call Lance, but Lucas awakens before she can. Terri summons up the courage to tell him her misgivings, but he manages to dissuade her, saying, “You’d be surprised how easy it gets. Lies beget lies and tangled webs get woven and soon…soon, you don’t even think about it anymore”…. Jeff pays a visit to Stanley and Mona, in the hopes of saying a proper goodbye to the children. When he gets there, though, he finds that much harder than he expected. He does his best to reassure them (and himself) that this is for the best, before Stan comes into the room. Jeff believes Stan is going to throw him out, but instead, he tells him to sit down, because they need to have a talk…. Shane arrives at the church, hoping Terri might be there, where he is accosted by Julia. She says she has another woman to introduce him to, but Shane refuses, saying he came to see Brett. Shane notices Brett’s disheveled appearance and subdued demeanor, but Brett doesn’t want to talk about it. Shane tells him of Lance’s death and the desperate need to find Terri and Lucas, which only seems to upset the pastor even more.


Chapter 16:

Release date: June 9, 2010
Wordcount: 5,579
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: This chapter was the first to be redone in what I now refer to as “The Great Rewrite of ’10.”
Recap: A few days later, Michael pays a visit to Brett at the church and is struck by a number of things. Brett says he does not know where Terri might be, nor does he know who might have wanted Lance dead or what sort of relationship the Englunds had. Michael brings up Lucas and the possibility that Terri might have been having an affair with him, an allegation Brett vehemently denies…. Still in Casper, drug withdrawals begin to get the better of Terri and she and Lucas argue over the situation. It comes to a head with her announcing she’s leaving, at which point he breaks down and tells her that everyone that he’s ever loved has left him and he’s not about to let her leave too. Terri stays…. Haven Park, reeling from Lance’s murder, bombards the safe and familiar First Baptist with phone calls, leaving Marnie to soothe the savage residents and listen to various speculation about the murder. Her mother only adds to the frenzy, throwing her own two cents in and asking to speak with Brett. Evan walks in, while Marnie is speaking with her mother and announces they need to talk.


Chapter 17:

Release date: June 22, 2010
Wordcount: 6,610
Characters introduced: None
Betcha didn’t know: At almost seven thousand words, this is the longest chapter to date.
Recap: Evan arrives at the church, babbling on about how bad things are happening. Marnie at first believes he is referring to Francine again, but he’s quick to clarify that he means the way he’s been behaving lately. He apologizes, and Marnie carefully tells him that she has a few suggestions to help him get better. She manages to get Evan to agree to stop drinking, seek professional help and stop staying out all night, but when it comes to dismantling his shrine to Francine, he flatly refuses…. Michael tells Shane of his earlier meeting with Brett, bringing up a number of things that he finds bizarre about the pastor. Shane is quick to come to his friend’s defense, inadvertently piquing Michael’s curiosity even more. He vows to get Brett to talk, one way or another…. Julia gets a surprise visit from Jeff, who claims he’s merely come by to update her on his decision to leave town. Before long, though, they find themselves in each other’s arms, though Julia does her best to hold her ground and resist. She asks Jeff to leave and mere seconds later, Brett walks in.

Me = Uninspired

I hate when this happens. I've a detailed outline before me. I've a pretty good idea of how this whole chapter is supposed to go. I even have bits and pieces of dialogue dancing around in my head...but when I go to put all of this to paper, nothing's there. I grow more and more disheartened with every false start. I'm starting to think my lucky streak of earlier this year is over. I'm starting to wonder if I've lost my passion.

Don't get me wrong. I love this story. I love these crazy people. I love everything about it...but I hate my inability to churn it out like I used to. It's taking me something ridiculous like 3 weeks to finish a chapter these days and that is completely unacceptable to me.

I know, greatness can't be rushed. I know, I'd rather labor over every keystroke than just slap something together to appease whomever might be reading it. I know, I needn't worry about this so much. But I am. I dunno why, but I am.

Help me. :(

Gallstone Recipes (Volume 1)

I have gallstones and have for several years now. I fully intend to create an entry comprised of my findings in different foods; what I can and can't have. But until I can find the time to sit down and write that out, here is a recipe for an AMAZING dinner that my mother came up with. I would estimate the entire meal contains somewhere between 5-7 grams of fat.

Chicken Fiesta (feeds 2)

Ingredients:
4 Chicken Thighs or 2 Chicken Breasts
1 pack McCormick Enchilada Seasoning
80z can of tomato paste (with equal part water)
Tortillas
White rice
1 can of Frito Lay Jalapeno Cheese Dip

Preheat oven to 350. Remove the skin from chicken and set aside. In a baking dish, add the McCormick seasoning, the can of tomato paste and the water and blend. Place your chicken meaty side down into the mixture. Cover the top of your baking dish with foil and place in the oven for about an hour.

Allow chicken to cool in the sauce after removing it from the oven. When the chicken cools, remove the meat from the bone and shred the chicken. Place it in a large, microwave safe bowl. Spoon the sauce on top of the chicken. Add 2 table spoons of Frito Lay Jalapeno Cheese dip to the chicken. Allow the chicken and sauce to sit for fifteen to twenty minutes, so the flavor can set in.

Add white rice according to the mixture to the amount of sauce that you have. Microwave on high for 15-20 minutes, until rice is tender and mixture is absorbed. Heat your tortillas in the microwave and serve.

So what is the point?

Note: I am not writing this for a pat on the back or anything like that...it's just the way I'm feeling at the moment.

I am a writer with no real ambition. Contrary to the popular belief that we're all on a quest to be published novelists, I am not. I publish everything I write on a website. I don't charge anybody anything, I don't submit things to be published - I am happy with my meager means. Many would believe this hardly makes me a writer at all, because I am nobody if I am not published or paid for it, but I rather like what I have going.

But recently, more than one person has kind of thrown the "being published makes you someone" thing back at me. I'm not certain that one person meant it the way it necessarily came out - I doubt he'd be that much of an ass - but the other one said it as some kind of a jab. That person, btw, is a complete douchebag and he's quite lucky I'm a lady or I'd go straight to his house and key his car or something.

But you know...I'm a suggestive soul. You tell me something enough and I start to believe it. I start to say, "you know what? What is the damn point here?" I write because I like to write. I write because I love these damn characters and I love this story. I write because...well, that about sums it up. Am I nothing? Am I untalented? Am I a joke because I am not a published author? Maybe I am.

This post has little point except to say that I'm really down on myself right now & I'm really pissed at people. I'm a writer and I happen to be a good one (better than many others I've seen, for sure)...but being that I'm not getting paid for it and have no publishing credits to my name, I am basically useless.

Nice, huh?

An introduction of sorts...

I'm Rebecca. I go by Bex. Maybe Bexeth. Even Bexxies if I like ya. But never Becky. I beg of you.

I'm inching ever closer to 30. I work at a hotel. I largely detest my job. I live in Texas. I am a music freak. I do not watch television...except for Family Guy. I have a very short attention span when it comes to reading, but I am an avid writer. I write fiction and songs, and I have a website devoted to my novel, which one might find here.

I wear a lot of makeup, but I have perfected my technique and only take ten minutes on it per day. I wish I lived in the 1960s. I'm obsessed with Sharon Tate and I wish I looked just like her. I have everything you could possibly imagine that has Winnie the Pooh on it, including a tattoo. I dig the color purple (the movie and the actual color). I am a huge fan of Vanilla Coke. I smoke cigarettes, but I don't drink for health reasons.

I have gallstones, but no insurance to take care of them, so I stick to a 10 gram of fat per day diet. I don't eat beef or pork; only chicken and fish. I have a growing appreciation for Tootsie Rolls.

I met someone in the past month that I am completely taken with. He is wonderful and he allows me to be me. I'm not one for counting my chickens before they hatch, but I think this is a relationship that could work out.

I like to think I'm witty. I can be snarky. I can also be very reclusive. I will probably only write in this thing once every six months, but you can be certain that when I do, it will be worth the whole five seconds it takes to read it.

I quote song lyrics like people quote Star Wars. I love coffee. I am a complete camera whore.

I am out of things to say.