Live from the closet!

No, seriously...I'm writing this in the closet. It's my place to think and breathe when things get crazy...or a place that I can write when everyone else in the house is sleeping.

I've been thinking a lot these past few days. Thinking about the story and where it's headed, thinking about whether I have it in me to continue, thinking about other, more personal things...it's been a crazy few days.

I get down on myself a lot. Probably more than anyone else I know. I think that I'm a terrible writer, or that I am not cut out for this or that nobody cares if I pull the whole thing down tomorrow and really...that's not what it should be about. I know that. I remember the days when I first started to write BCD and other people's approval was the absolute least of my worries. I mean, for a whole year, nobody even knew of its existence but me. I kept it very well hidden, tucked away in binders and employed it as my own private sanctuary. Incidentally, that was also the most creative time of my life.

So what went wrong? How did I get from a wide-eyed 15 year old that was hopelessly in love with my characters to this approval-seeking, jaded, insecure 28 year old, who thinks nothing they write has any purpose? I second guess every single keystroke now, when I was totally content with my hand-written chapters back then. I have fallen into a trap that I really had hoped to avoid and now...well, now I don't know what the hell to do to get out of it.

I thought separating myself from the elitist webfiction folks would help me and to some extent, it has...however, there's still this gaping hole in me. There's still this burning anger in me that I am not reaching my target audience. There's still this crazy notion in my head to just stop this insanity once and for all, pull the plug on the story and be miserable within myself because I'm not getting what I want. I'm horrible about getting what I want...anyone that knows me can tell you that. If I can't have what I want, I surely do not want what I can have...and in a situation like this one, that leaves me pretty well screwed. It is not supposed to be this way. You don't even have to tell me that; I already know. What I don't know, however, is what the hell I can do to stop feeling this way.

I know I'm a good writer, damn it. I know I have what it takes to go way beyond the confines of web fiction and really make my mark on the literary world, if that was something I really wanted to do. Yet, I am so quick to tear myself down when I don't get the acceptance and accolades that I feel I am due. I beat myself up and I tell myself how badly I must suck and it's a wicked cycle that just keeps going on and on. I am miserable inside...and it's not only because of this. I have a lot of other issues as well, but it's safe to say that this whole thing really isn't helping matters.

So what do I do? What can I do? I don't really know. I guess continuing to hide in this closet, pondering what a colossal bitch I am is a good start...or, at least, something to kill some time for now.

Independence Day, LOLcats style

Proudly presenting: the prologue of this gripping tale, which can be found in print right here.

Happy new year!

Finally, a fresh start. I fully intend to write in this thing a lot more regularly in 2011. I also intend to do a whole lot more writing period in 2011. Let's just hope for my sake that it works out.

Now, to clarify the last post: I am not taking down my website, and I'm not going to stop writing it either. I'm just not going to attempt to insert myself into a medium that does not want me anymore. I thought for a while it might have been that my genre didn't mesh with theirs, though many claimed not to have a genre bias. I thought for a while that I must not be reaching the right people, though I posted and mingled and did everything imaginable to network. I thought for a while that I just might suck and that would explain the colossal lack of attention paid to anything I've done...and after some careful consideration, I've resolved that is most definitely NOT the problem. I'm just not welcome. My efforts are just not recognized. And rather than draw it out for yet another year and make myself miserable in the process, I've simply backed away.

Again, the site is still there (http://bit.ly/haven-park) and I only just updated it this morning, so no worries that I won't continue this story. I just won't hawk it to the very skies to people who couldn't care less. :)

Happy new year, everyone. Hope this year proves to be the best one yet - for all of us.