What I feel...

...my mother does not understand how badly she is hurting me right now.

...I wish that old bastard would just drop dead already, but I know I could never be so lucky.

...I did not get enough sleep last night.

...I feel so alone right now.

...this is just a horrible day.

Sometimes, nostalgia happens...

You don't necessarily plan on it...it's just there. Tonight, I spent almost an hour lying in bed and waiting for sleep (obviously, it has not come yet). The whole time, I was reminded of various points in my life, good and bad...and consequently, what I've tried to learn from all of them.

This much I can glean from that trip down memory lane: nothing is forever. It was around this time three years ago that I faced something I believed to be far too insurmountable to ever begin to overcome...and now, look at where I'm at. I guess it's all about perspective and looking at the bigger picture, though I'm having quite a bit of trouble doing that.

There's such a dark cloud over me these days. Everyone's noticed it - even my husband, whom I've tried to put on a happy face around. I have been stressed out to the point of feeling physically ill. I have headaches a lot, like every day. I feel a deep depression trying to come in, but I'm doing my best to stave it off for now. I guess I should remember that this too shall pass, and that no matter what happens, it could never be as horrendous as things I've already endured. Still...that's a lot easier said than done when every single day that passes seems worse than the one before it.

Keep me in your thoughts. This is a time of my life that should be joyous, and truly it is...I'm just not feeling all that joyous right now. Maybe I need to lie in the dark some more and ponder the road that led me here. Then again, that might only depress me even more.

"Is this a silly waste of time; Am I just losing my mind..."

The title, of course, being a song lyric.

So this has been a ridiculously emotional week. Anger, sadness, deep, deep depression - it's all hit at one time. This is one of those weeks where I feel like everyone's against me and I just need a friend so if you're up for some really emo whining, hit me up. I could really use one.

A Milestone of Sorts

Hi, my name is Bex Aaron. I've worked at the Knights Inn since April 10, 2008. I've worked through a hurricane and the power outage that followed (for twelve hours at a time, no less!), under two separate (but both Vietnamese) managers, through illnesses and flus and more gallbladder attacks than I can count. I have never been late, have never missed work just for the hell of it and have only been granted one (unpaid) vacation all this time. I've worked Christmas and New Years (one hung over mofo!) and have yet to accrue any sick time or personal time - those silly things don't exist here. I've been cursed at on Christmas Eve (and a merry fucking Christmas to you too, buddy), I've been hit, I've witnessed knife fights, ho fights, screaming fights, redneck fights, guest fights and even one unfortunate occasion where the desk clerk and a person wanting a job application got into a rumble (true story). I've taken abuse that I would not wish on anyone, I've withstood when every single odd was against me...and now, I think I have reached the end of my exceptionally long patience. I think I am finally done.

That is all.

Resolutions

You know from following this blog that my posts tend to fall into one of two categories: bitching that I'm not writing, or bitching that I'm not finding the acceptance in that writing that I feel (possibly wrongly) that I am due.

Well, today, I thought I'd try something different.

Instead of bitching about not writing, I'm going to make every effort. I set a date for the third arc to premiere (Halloween) and while the 21st chapter isn't even close to being done yet, I plan on sticking to it. I have got to get back on the stick here. It's been forever since I really sat down and got into this story and I'm doing myself a great disservice by staying away this long.

Today, I'm going to read. A lot. I'm going to read everything I can get my hands on. I'm going to relearn the quirks and nuances of these characters. I'm going to figure out where these next few chapters are going. I'm going to quit crying, stop saying that I can't and do something.

...this will probably be promptly followed by yet another whiny, bitching post, just so you know. Feel free to ignore it.

Some tough, but necessary realizations.

Some people aren't worth the trouble it would take to like, befriend or even tolerate their miserable behavior.

It doesn't matter what the world thinks - I still fucking rule.

I will never be able to find my worth in what anyone else thinks of me.

I don't want to be with the in crowd, because it never, ever lasts.

There's always going to be some asshole that's going to try to bully and belittle someone - but the only reason they do that is they're so unhappy within themselves that they try to put others down to feel better.

I am worth something and those that don't think so can go fuck themselves.