Hello from San Antonio!

This week, to celebrate my birthday, we are in San Antonio. I am writing this from the balcony of our room on the 20th floor. I suppose now is as good a time as any for a writing update.

I am still revising. Today, I began revisions on Chapter 21. I am completely rethinking this one, from the startling end to the first scene to the awkward conversation of the second. I have got a completely different idea right now, and I think this could really shake things up. I may be crazy for trying this, but I am willing to take it where it goes.

I hope everyone's well. I also hope to have this done before we leave here. Hell, 22 as well, so I can start WeSeWriMo with a clean slate. Let's hope!

Much love.

Odds 'n' Ends...Mainly Ends.

Okay, so as some of you know, I'm involved in this whole crazy webfiction scene (or, if you wanna kick it old school, websoaps). This basically means that I write and maintain a serial/book/novel/piece of crap/what have you and post it to a website. As I've said before, I do not charge anybody for anything. It's completely non-commercial, probably very unimportant, but it is still my teensy contribution to the world at large.

I came across this quote, from Kira, the editor in chief of Epiguide. (Epiguide, for those unaware, is the hub of the websoap community, and has been since 1998, maybe earlier).

So there it is, guys. The webfiction/weblit world existed before y'all discovered it. I must say it irks me that people are so unaware of the history of the medium, especially on a site devoted to it. Maybe it's not lack of awareness; maybe it's the unfortunate sense that webfiction doesn't count if it's not commercial/fantasy or sci-fi/based on Drupal or WP/inspired by MU/fill-in-the-blank. The serials may not have been your cup of tea; they may not have been commercially successful enough; they may not still be around. Still, give up a little respect to those of us who participated in this realm long before b2/cafelog even existed, much less turned into Wordpress!

Ah, preach it, sister.

I've always sort of felt like this. My webfiction predates all the modern and "hip" fantasy fiction that you see today. I wrote the websoap's answer to Seinfeld (it was about nothing!) for eight freakin years (and published it for almost three: 2004-2006). I've never been into fantasy, sci-fi sort of stuff...just not my thing. I don't really like watching, reading or writing it. I prefer drama based fiction. Thrillers. Love stories. That sort of deal. The sort of stuff that you can find at Epiguide...from whence I hail.

I've noticed, since attempting to branch out into the "new" webfiction world of speculative fiction, zombies, warriors and the like, that while the authors themselves have been quite welcoming and accommodating to me (for the most part...), the genre itself seems largely closed off if you don't write something along those lines. I guess I shouldn't be so bummed out about it, because obviously, the fantasy stuff is where it's at...but it does seem like a bit of a slap in the face when I list my work on outlets such as WFG and the editors don't even bother to review it. Seriously. I didn't even get the two-line standard from Linda that so many bitch about. I didn't even get that, people! This is totally me bitching and I really should just let it go, but it felt like a slap to me. The message I got out of it was, "You're not like us, so we don't want you here."

I don't know. I'm just bitching and moaning, but it does seem to me that there's a real genre bias. It's like being invited to a party, but when you actually attempt to make conversation, everyone (hosts included) ignores you. I'd think it was better off to stay home in that case and yeah...in this case too.

Writing Update

I think I finally figured out what I needed to do in order to move forward: take a step back. On Friday (or was it Thursday?) I started to edit Chapter 19, and I finished it yesterday. The funny thing is these so called "edits" turned into a full on rewrite in some cases, and I'm happy to say that I think this is the chapter I should have written all along.

Now...onto 20. This one's pretty darn good, I gotta say. I don't really wanna mess with it, because I like so much about it already...but I think it could still stand to improve. I have an idea for another scene, but it's going to take some research. I wanna do it just right, so...we'll see how that goes.

I really think that until I am fully satisfied and happy with what I write, I will never be able to progress any further. I'm just wired that way. Let's hope I'm on the right track this time.

Stolen shamelessly from Danielle

Conversations I had with my characters when piecing the next few chapters together:

Me: Outlining is difficult when you only have a handful of characters.
Terri: I'll gladly be in every single scene.
Julia: Me too! I have figured out a few new ways to whine and cry and think about what a pathetic slut I am. I'm sure that's good for a few pages, no?
Me: Oh my gosh, no. No. No, no, no.
Terri: But I've yet to milk this melodrama for all that it's worth. It's been a good twenty chapters since I last cried until my fake lashes came off. I think I'm totally ready to try that again.
Julia: Hey, that's an idea. I don't know why I didn't think of that.
Terri: Because you're not me.
Me: You two are both pretty much interchangeable to me at this point...and that's really not a good thing. So yeah. Let me just focus on someone else here...

Evan: Are you really gonna make me interact with...people? Really?
Me: Ty said you needed to.
Evan: And I care why...?
Me: Because Ty said so, and Ty is one of my very best commenters, so there.
Evan: ...
Me: And if you do, I'll tell you where Marnie hid the pictures.
Evan: You got yourself a deal.

Lucas: Hey, what about me?
Me: What about you?
Lucas: Am I even in this arc?
Me: Of course you are. You were in Chapter 21. See? That totally qualifies as an appearance.
Lucas: ...
Me: What? It does?
Lucas: Well, I'm just saying...you're whining about not having enough characters and I'm like...you know...MIA.
Me: Um...Ty's sick of you?
Lucas: Who the fuck is Ty?
Me: Never mind that. Just go...be.
Lucas: Right, so that's a no. Gotcha.

Me: And, um, Shane...?
Shane: I know. I already know. I get to stand around with my hands in my pockets and watch Goldman get all my glory and do my job and silently seethe and brood and plan how I'm going to come out on top in the end, though I really don't have a chance in hell at this point.
Me: Well...yes. But try to do it with a bottle in your hand.
Shane: Right. I'm on it.

Jeff: Hey so...I hate to bother you when you're busy creating and stuff, but...I sort of...I don't really...I don't like the third chart.
Me: I didn't think you would.
Jeff: To be honest with you, I don't really like anything about where this is going.
Me: Yeah, I didn't think you would.
Jeff: Come on, baby. Can't we talk about this? I - I just don't think this is...uh, I don't think this is a good idea at all.
Me: Oh for God's sake, don't look at me like that.
Jeff: Baby...
Me: Please stop looking at me like that.
Jeff: Baby...
Me: NO! I am not doing that damn thing again! Do you know how long it takes?
Jeff: Baby...
Me: Oh for God's sake...screw outlining. I'm off to edit the chart. Again.

Thinking out loud

I realize I should try to censor myself as much as possible with this entry, because I realize that a few of you might actually read my series, and I would hate to spoil anything for you.

That said, though...I've hit a creative brick wall, and sometimes writing it out is the best bet. For what it's worth, though, I will not name names here.

Okay, so here's the deal. I've planned for the killer to strike for the third time in the 25th chapter. I'm currently stuck on Chapter 23. The point of the next few chapters would, obviously, be setting up the third one and blah, blah. Well, here's my dilemma. Originally, the third victim was supposed to be someone else. I had it all planned out. Then, when I was writing something else, I had a flash and decided to make the third victim another person. I was really excited about this, because I thought it was incredibly powerful and I could make a lot of drama out of it. However, the closer I get to this, the more I begin to question it. Sure, there is a wealth of drama to be had at this person's expense, but in the end...if you're looking at the bigger picture, it just doesn't make that much sense. It's one of those things that I might have to go back and gloss over a bit, because while it might make perfect sense at the time, I don't know if I can justify it later on, given what happens next.

As for the original victim, I'm starting to consider if my gut was right the first time. There's a lot of drama to be had here too, and in the end, it would make a lot more sense...but to be honest here, I would rather not do that, because...oh this is silly.

I'd rather not do it because I am rather attached to the character, and I would view it as very cruel to do this to him now.

Aren't I a freak? I know I am.

So...that brings me to this: which one do I go for? The more drama and punch in the moment and the longer explanation later or the less drama, more cruel choice?

Neither option is appealing to me right now...and if Julia keeps up this incessant whining, I might just say screw it and kill her off. She's getting on my nerves. For real.

Thoughts? Suggestions? The number of a good shrink? All are appreciated and welcomed. Thanks.

Obligatory writing update post

The Big Surprise is...Me?

So begins my latest brainstorm. Noticeably, it's got nothing to do with actually...y'know, writing. But hey...pretty pictures totally count, and they add to the story and they're necessary. I'll take them.

Those familiar with my story will know that I make promos for each chapter. Well, I've decided that beginning with chapter 40, I will no longer do this. Until chapter 45, instead of specific chapter promos, The Big Surprise campaign will begin. This campaign will highlight the final five suspects, with first person admissions of guilt. I've chosen to end all of them with, "My name is X and I am a murderer."

(sneak peek at one, no real spoilers contained therein: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1003/CrazyBex/ID%20promos/63ac2c56.jpg )

Of course, only one of them is and we will find out which one in chapter 45...and I'm only writing Chapter 23 now. So I have a really long way to go here, but it never hurts to plan ahead. :)

I would love to make some progress on these chapters and stuff, but I do realize that you just can't force it. There's a lot of emotion in this, and sometimes, it's just not in you to write that. I have to wait until it's time and then...well, we'll see what happens. But I'm keeping my optimism about me. I figure that's all I can do.

Lost the Plot

I am a writer. I have been since before I could even write. I scribbled this nonsense story in crayon and showed every adult within a 20 mile radius. They all acted as though they were impressed, even after I needled them to read it (out loud, at that!) and it seemed that was all I needed. The deal was done.

I wrote my first work of fiction when I was ten years old. It was something pitiful about some guy named Mac and his bitch of a wife named Brenda. Very stupid, soap opera rip off sort of stuff...and I continued this story (and its varied cast of characters) until the next summer, when I decided to go in another direction and created yet another stupid, soap opera rip off story, entitled Montana Skies.

Oh, Montana Skies...it was epic. I don't think there are even words in which to describe how bad it really was. I had guys coming back from the dead (like three or four times!), I had interrupted weddings, I had explosions and amnesia and...oh, it was horrible. It was tripe. It was an abomination. And I wrote it for almost three years.

When you're a teenager, that seems like forever. It was the longest I'd worked on anything, but one day, I just got bored with it. I decided to write a short side project (the original Independence Day incarnation), then went back to it, only to be bored again within months. That's when Behind Closed Doors came into play...and that's when my entire life changed.

I'd never felt more passionate about anything else in my life. That story was everything to me. I lived and breathed it. I thought about it all the time. I began and ended my day fixated on it. Soon, the idea of Montana Skies was revolting to me. I came to realize what garbage I'd been writing and focused myself full time on my new endeavor - and really, looking back on it, I had no regrets about doing so. It was time. Past time, I think. I was older (fifteen!) and wiser and it was just time to move on.

Behind Closed Doors was my everything for eight years (1998-2006) until the unthinkable happened: I no longer had the heart for it that I once did. It was initially a very heart-wrenching decision, but once I stopped fighting against it, I realized that I could live without these characters. I could live without this story. I could even live without writing.

I had a talk with a friend last night, and she told me she was no longer writing. Not just taking a break on it...no longer writing at all. I'm not sure what to even say about this. I've been there, and I know from experience that a true writer always comes back to it. However, she seems very definite, and she also seems at peace with her decision, so there's not much I can really say. It makes me sad, though...because now that I've come back to writing, I realize how much I missed it.

What do writers do when they don't write? Is it possible to find other things to fill that void? I strongly believe that writing is not something that you choose - it's something that chooses you. As I've said, she seems completely at peace with her decision, but it has me thinking...what does a writer do if not write?

Thoughts?

Some days, you just want to cry...

...and if I weren't at work, you can bet that's what I'd be doing.

So...creatively? Nada. Though, to be fair, I haven't really tried. I've been tied up in other things (including Anniversary Week, which I will get to in a second). This third arc is moving along at a snail's pace...and I'm feeling rather foolish for having this much trouble. I admit, I've sort of been throwing myself into things to avoid the actual writing of the chapters. Anniversary week articles, promos, etc. Busy work, basically. I'm sure you know what I mean.

And so...Anniversary Week. Well, the first two features went well. I didn't take as long to complete them as I thought I might. It's the third I was antsy about, and it turns out that there was a good reason for that: nobody contributed anything. No, no, I shouldn't say that because that discounts the one person that did: Kelly, whom I adore.

So yeah. 59 fans on the FB page. Lots of people that randomly proclaim to "love" ID and...one response. It's not like there was a test to take or something. It's not like I imposed ridiculous demands on people. It's not like I said, "You must summarize the entire story thus far, to prove you were paying attention." I just asked people to answer three questions and...well, one did, which was incredibly nice of her. Others said they would, but for whatever reason, they did not and really...I preface this by saying that sometimes, I can be very petty, but...this just really bothers me.

I should not let this get to me and I should not this reflect on the impact I am making with this whole thing. I mean, come on. It's not like I'm out to change the world or write a best seller. I don't even have a donate button! (ack, I should let that die already!) Maybe I'm unrealistic...in fact, I probably am...but this hurt. This really hurt.

I guess it all ties back into the "basing who you are on what you do" thing that we are all warned against so strictly. This makes me feel like the most ineffective communicator that's ever lived. It makes me feel like such a loser. It makes me just wanna curl up in a ball and cry. It's humiliating. It's invalidating. It's just...it's just hurtful.

So that's where I'm at today. For the two people that might read this, I appreciate your time.

I need a cigarette.